my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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