My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
