I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize