I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
