i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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