You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize