MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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