don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
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