I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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