Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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