Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
