So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I understand Curling. That high.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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