i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
