No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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