Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
