Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
