And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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