mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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