somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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