I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
