Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dick very happy bro
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
