YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
