also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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