I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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