Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
