I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
