I can text with my tongue
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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