Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
