dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize