Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
