he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
