This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
