At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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