i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
