Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So many bounce houses so little time
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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