The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
