i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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