After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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