I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
