Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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