I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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