I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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