I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
