Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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