I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Mom said you looked used
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
