I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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