Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
