Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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