glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
