woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
