Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
