My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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