Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
