i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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