Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize