i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
