i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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