If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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