So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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